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Conservatives Need to Mind-Meld with Liberals
--Help us Spock!
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My brother Nick and I were solving the world's problems at my house the
other night. As usual this involved the drinking of much Rolling Rock and,
this time, a discussion of the best Star Trek monsters and enemies. As we
debated, we hit upon the episode with the Hortas on Janus IV. For those few
readers who were "doing better things with their lives" (ha!) or "went
outside to play" and therefore do not speak Trek, I will explain:
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Kirk and his buds land on a planet where the mineral miners can't meet quota
because of numerous run-ins with Green Peace, OSHA and various UL
inconsistencies--no, just kidding. It was because of these rock-tunneling
creatures called the Hortas, who were killing all of the red shirts, and no
one knew why. Only after seriously wounding a Horta and having Bones patch
up this silicon-based life form with a kind of cement band-aid ("dammit Jim!
I'm a doctor, not a brick layer!") do we learn--via Spock's Vulcan mind-meld
with the creature--that the Horta is a well-intentioned beast, and was just
protecting its young (these goofy silver eggs that the miners had been
digging up and moving around). So the miners agreed to leave the eggs alone
and were able to make quota, since these gosh darn Hortas hate Green Peace,
have had 365 days without a lost-time accident, and go through rock faster
than Roseanne can go through a box of Twinkies. (Ok, ok, easy, granted--how
about: Faster than Robert Downey Jr. can go through rehab? I know--easy
too.) Spock saves the day as usual. Without Spock, Kirk would have been
screwed countless times. Come to think of it, Kirk was! Remember the blue
chick? ...but I digress.
It was then that I realized (and told Nick) that we of a conservative bent
need Spock and his awesome mind-meld power to help us understand the liberal
"thinkers" (term used liberally, heh heh) among us. Nick said "Yeah! ...uh,
um, dude... what?" and got me another beer. I said that the liberals are
like the Hortas--and then Nick wanted to mortally wound one. No, no not
really. It would appear that, with the liberal, we are faced with an alien
life form whose actions make no sense whatsoever, appears totally
counterproductive, and has a head made of stone. Since I am prone to offer
people the benefit of the doubt (the result of years of practiced Catholic
guilt) I have to desperately cling to the dim hope, despite all evidence to
the contrary, that liberals are well intentioned and that we can live in
peace. Hurm...
For example, I am a conservative and as such I lean toward conservative
ideas. I believe, among other things, that we as Americans are overtaxed and
therefore I try to pay as little tax as legally possible. This is
consistent. This is sane. I have actually heard some liberals bleat that
we do not pay enough in taxes, "so much more could be baaaaa done with more
money ". Now, do they live up to that claim, serve as a good example,
and pay all of their extra money to the government? Are they consistent? I
think not. I have seen them coming from their accountants' offices! Ha!
I'm sure that they were just making sure that they were paying as much tax
as possible so that they could sleep better at night.
The same is true of gas prices. We all have the token liberal acquaintance
who says "...well, when I was in Europe last summer gas was $800.00 per
gallon there. We Americans have the cheapest gas prices in the whole world
and have no right to complain about gas prices. Surely we can afford to pay
more for gas. We can get the money for that program by baaaaaa taxing gas
more...baaaaa... " This argument is so vapid that it makes me want to beat
them violently about the face and body with wet noodles while pelting them
with little fishes. Do the liberals offer to pay more at the pump? I think
maybe no--inconsistent again. As if cheap gas were a bad thing! Hell, if
nothing else we deserve better-priced gas for saving the free world numerous
times--yes, you're welcome, thank you for calling! The fact that we use
more gas than any other country is a bad thing too, apparently, even though
that's the main reason why we pay less. It's called "Quantity Pricing", my
simple liberal friends. Have you not been to Sam's Club? Quantity Pricing,
for those liberals who don't know and couldn't find their own ass with both
hands, is the miracle of modern capitalism that makes it possible to buy the
one gallon jug of Miracle Whip cheaper than an equal amount in the little
jars. (mmmm, Miracle Whip...) Oh, sorry.
Why do liberals talk one way and then act another? Are they truly so
diametrically opposed to conservatives? No common ground? Anyone?
Bueller? Bueller? Guess not. I complain about gas prices; they talk about
my car being too big (as they drive off in a later model SUV than
mine--bastards). I say taxes are too high; they say not high enough.
Abortion is wrong; shut up and let me do what I want. Duck season... wabbit
season... Fire!
Well, like Rainman trying to solve the riddle of "Who's On First" I continue
to cling to this hope that liberals are understandable if only to have
something to complain about. If we only had Spock's powers, maybe we could
mind-meld and understand where liberals get their crazy logic, why their
homes are not yet "wind powered" and why Michael Kinsley can go for an
entire conversation without blinking his eyes--not even once!
Come to think of it, if I really had Spock's powers I would probably just
give liberals the Vulcan neck pinch and make them shut up. Make it so.
That is all, Kirk out.
Next week: The liberal automaton unmasked--The Unblinking Michael Kinsley!
- AND -
Film evidence studied to reveal the decade-long barber strike and apparent
soap & shampoo shortage of the 1960's!
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