Touched Monkey

The Handicapped - I'm going to Hell...

Ok. I'm going to hell for this one I know. Yup, straight to hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200. The line starts here - but I've had a bad day and so I need to rant about this and tell it like it is. There are just some things that have to be said about the handicapped, their parking spaces and their expectations.

I know that people do not need to go out of their way to make the lives of the handicapped any harder than they already are but should the government mandate that all buildings (new and old) be handicapped accessible? All bathrooms? Everything? I'm not saying that access should not be made easier, I'm just saying that I don't want to be made to do it under penalty of law. Building construction in the first half of the last century was NOT a determined, conscience assault on the handicapped or an active attempt to exclude them.

Let's set this up right: Handicapped people have more trouble doing some things than other non-handicapped people do. Well, No Shit Sherlock! You're Fricken HANDICAPPED! That's what it means to be handicapped - BY DEFINITION!! Again, I have no problem making things easier - it's the mandate from government and their growing list of bureaucratic specifics that bothers me. I can honestly say that our next office building, when constructed, will be 100% handicapped accessible. I would have done this despite the laws making me do so (yes, really). And here's why: I imagine myself trying to close a big deal with a client in my new shiny office building. This big client is handicapped and excuses herself to use the bathroom during a break. She and I are extremely embarrassed when she can't navigate the stairs, or get into the bathroom, etc. and has to ask for help from someone or has to leave our building, etc. That's the stuff nightmares are made of and that's why our new office building will be 100% accessible.

However, it now our responsibility, UNDER LAW, to do everything possible - at any cost - to make them less handicapped? Why? Says who? Again, we do not have to go out of our way to make life harder for them but why must we be forced to treat a group of people a certain way? I am speaking generally - any group - any treatment.

A guy who looses a hand or arm in some bizarre combine accident is going to have trouble tying his shoes. It's a given. I feel for him - I really do - but I'm not going to support, oh, say, changing all door knobs so that this guy can open the door while holding his briefcase like everyone else! What happens if this guy gets upset because he still has to buy his gloves in pairs? Will the government mandate that gloves will now be sold as singles so as to not offend the single handed? I know - a large exaggeration but really, where does it stop?

Quick Note: Hot dog buns are sold by the dozen but hot dogs in sets of 10. You have to buy 5 dozen buns and 6 packs of hot dogs just to come out even (at 60 - ahem... that's right, I did the math - and all by myself!). This too is a conspiracy!

Also have you noticed that EVERYONE is handicapped these days? I know I am not the only one who has seen this person: The otherwise completely healthy looking, but 450 POUND behemoth stuffed into the motorized cart reserved for handicapped people in Wal-Mart. This person is NOT handicapped - just very, very fat! Tremendously Fat! I'm talking like, this guy cuts himself and mayo comes out! The back of his neck looks like a pack of hot dogs! Goes to the movies and he sits next to everybody! The size tag in his underwear just says "DAMN!". Ok, ok, enough, you get it. Man, if I was handicapped and needed that cart I would slap Jabba upside da head and make him burn some calories hefting that bulk around on his rotund stumps! This is the same Sally Struthers wannabe clown who parked in the handicapped spot out front while you circled like a vulture looking for a good parking spot. I want to get hooked into the black market that sells those little handicapped badges that hang on the rear view mirrors. Cripes what I wouldn't pay for one of those! I know such a black market exists because I constantly see (obviously) un-handicapped people hop right out of their cars and skip into the store - (mocking me!) - so happy that they got the best parking spot. I know you are like me and look at the plates of cars who ARE in those spaces. It is a rare day when I see a handicapped plate in a handicapped space.

Yeah! And how do they determine the number of handicapped parking spaces in a given parking lot anyway? Do they do it as a percentage of total spaces in the lot? A percentage of the local population that is handicapped and likely to shop there? Is there some NASA like SAT math equation that says: First take the total number of businesses that have parking lots and the total number of spaces available in those lots, then take the number of handicapped people in the community and assume that they will all be out shopping on the same day, then take the square root of your mothers birthday and ....?? Ta Da! Bob's yer uncle! 28 handicapped spaces at Wal-Mart!

Seriously - how do they do it? Think I'm all worked up over nothing? Well - remember when a handicapped parking spot was just that - "A" parking space? Well, have you seen them lately? They are a parking spot with an assess aisle now - in effect two spaces! I know, I know, I can see why this is needed - to keep the lot line painters employed - they have to eat too you know! Seriously though, I have seen the cool robovans with the wheel chair lifts (and I desperately want one! They are seriously cool!) and I know that the extra room is needed. I do. BUT don't try to argue that this is not a slippery slope. I'm sure that next year we will be told that the wheelchair motors are stressed climbing certain ramp grades and so all access ramps will have to be re-graded and the starting places moved back to Cleveland so that they can attain a less challenging rise-over-run characteristic. I just know it!!

All I'm saying is this: Imagine - A McDonalds TV ad, circa 1975, McDonalds shows one of their restaurants with a handicapped access ramp and accessible bathrooms - because they are a family restaurant - they care. Grandma and Pa eating and playing with the kids, unimpeded by traditional barriers, etc. etc. How long do you think it would have been before every restaurant - ON THEIR OWN - would have offered and touted handicapped access? Think I'm full of it? Just look at the Happy Meal/Toy combo and how that took off! You can't go near ANY food place without getting your kid a toy and having them be bombarded with Disney advertising. Catering to the handicapped would have worked this way as well. Just like the senior citizen discount was adopted everywhere - DOH! - there, I blew it - now THAT will probably be mandated too!!!

I'm also saying that this is America. If it is a good idea and should be done - if people want it - then there will be someone there to CAPITALIZE on it and make it happen. And make it happen in a much more fair and cost effective way than government can ever do! For more opinions and examples of how capitalism makes life better see my column "Capitalists, Conservatives Solve Everything - Film At 11" (To check out my article, click here.)

Anyway, they say people in hell want ice water and I'm sure I'll be bitching about that too. See you there.

Lubby La Lubba La ------ Timmy!

Damien J. Sweeney did in fact NOT ride the short bus to school and was not allowed anywhere near it. This, despite numerous attempts by others to place him there. This may help to explain his heated attitude toward handicapped parking spaces and his desperate need to want to park there.