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I'm Just A Man
I'm just a man. I don't understand some things:
Prelude:
I stroll to the post office almost every day to check our esteemed post
office box. Often it is a busy place in the morning and it is somewhat hard
to negotiate the various entrance ways with citizens, carts, parcels and
such going in and out. |
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As I am ever vigilant and pure of heart, I will hold
the door for a lady whenever possible. I smile at them with the smile that
I reserve for moments like this. This is the "Chivalry Is Not Dead" smile.
The "Please Madam, Let Me Get That For You" smile. Women are quite
defenseless against this smile - it slays them. Fear not, I have vowed to
use The Smile only for good and only use it on a low setting - about a "4".
Women are overcome with the vapors and have even shed their clothes at
anything over a "6" so I never use The Smile to its full capacity. Ladies
usually respond with the bashful "Why, Thank You Kind Sir" smile.
Sometimes even the "My! Such A Gentleman!" smile. The later is usually
from the more experienced, ahem, older, ladies who remember the glorious
days of yesteryear. I respond with the "My Mother Has Taught Me Well, Have
A Good Day Ma'am" smile/nod combination.
But alas! This morning I used "The Smile" and received an "I Can Get My Own
Door, Thank You!" disgusted, eye rolling grimace pout in return. It may
have even been the much feared and dreaded "I Suppose I'm Just Too Weak To
Get It Myself Huh? You Assumptive Bastard!" disgusted, eye rolling grimace
pout but I was so taken aback that I cannot be sure. I admit it - it threw
me. I was flustered and thought for a moment that I was not fully awake and
that perhaps my morning haze had perhaps doused or otherwise lessened The
Smile. But no! No! There is in fact a new breed of woman that is immune
to The Smile and, in fact, all manner of social graces. "Who is this vile
villainess that disregards gentlemanly offerings?" you ask. Why, my
friends, it troubles my heart to introduce - The Feminist.
Some History:
Hundreds of years ago men just took what they wanted from women. Wherever
and whenever they wanted. After all - they have the Kibbles & Bits, you
know, and we wanted them! Not a good situation for women. Somewhere along
the line it became rude and socially unacceptable to treat women this way.
Women were to be prized and treated well. Treat her like a lady, Hold the
door, Help her across the street, Show respect - women were special. Now of
course men were still big enough to do as they wanted with any woman at any
time, but this was now socially unacceptable. This was a better
arrangement, more civilized, more noble. Women were to be treated well.
Women were decidedly winning this one and rightfully so says me. Men knew
this, felt comfortable with it and encouraged it. The women AND men liked
it that way. It was classy.
At some point Women rebelled against this treatment. I simply do not
understand this. They wanted to be treated "equally" (instead of
...better?... I guess?). Being simple creatures, we men scratched our
heads. Why would women give up a gig this good? But if that's what they
want then, ok. We just shrugged and proceeded to let the women open their
own doors - lest we offend.
I have seen the great unwashed masses of '60's chicks burning their bras on
TV. Burning bras proved what exactly? I was probably two years old then
and I have no idea why they were doing that but feel I must state, for the
record, that I am all for women going braless (MOST women that is - let's be
reasonable now!) Yup - count me in. Braless is okey dokey with me. I'm
sure they were making a major point with the bra burning but it is lost on
me. See, it's kinda like this:
News Flash! MEN LIKE TO LOOK AT WOMEN!
- and look they did. The women could have been protesting against, oh,
say, men with two testicles, and most men wouldn't even care. I mean come
on! Braless women AND fire! "Dear Penthouse Forum...." Guys said "you
just keep taking those bra's off sister! I really admire your social
awareness, ...both of them!...." I just don't get it.
Free love? Yes please! Have some! Take a number - the line forms here!
Look how independent you are sister! I really admire your bold sexual
awareness! Now come here and give me some... How did this forward any
women's cause? I don't understand - I'm just a man.
Men worked in the work place. They LIVED to come home at night and spend
time with their family. Women want to get into the work place? Um, ok.
Sure. But why?! Most men don't even like it there! They wanted to and
they did. Mary Tyler Moore? She's gonna make it after all! They
complained about glass ceilings (and still do) the entire time.
(Note: There is NO such thing as a glass ceiling. If there were such a
thing as a glass ceiling then men would gladly, eagerly, and quite promptly
put skirt and dress clad women above them - for obvious reasons. Q.E.D.)
Did it ever occur to the feminists that you just can't force this much
social and economic change without major adjustments - over a large amount
of time? But, ok, fine. Women are equal - be a woman in the work place.
Bring all that is woman into the work place and be proud! But they didn't
do that. They tried to act and dress like men and were surprised and upset
about that too. Man-like suit coats with big padded shoulder pads to get
that traditional (male) "V" shape torso. Power suits, Pants suits, and
Reeboks to show their new fast paced life style of haste. "I can be a mom
AND a business person too damn it! - um, well, that is, as long as I have
day care." Day care that costs most women as much as 75% (or more) of what
they earn in a week. Is it worth it? I don't understand - why did they do
these things? I guess I'm just a man and could not understand.
They were told and believed that they could have their cake and eat it too,
but no one can do that. Not even a man. If their husbands had told them
that housework was demeaning they would have been insulted and slapped him
upside the head - placed in the doghouse for at least a week to ten days.
But other women tell them that and it is a Revelation! "You know, you are
right - I AM better than that!". Better than what? Better than being the
center of your family's entire universe? "I can do more than this!" Sure
you can - but what do you want to do?
Is it lost on everyone that in our glorious capitalist economy, when the
extra income became available, two incomes per family became the norm? Now
most women complain that they have to work to make ends meet. With the
added stress on family life, work life, and marriage, divorce rates
skyrocketed to over 50%. How is anything supposed to get better with their
male partners gone? With one half of the family income gone? In a two
income economy? With kids? I simply don't understand.
Career women are surprised to wake up in their late 30's or 40's to find
that they finally DO want kids and are outraged to learn that they are now
in the high risk pregnancy groups. The word "DUH!" comes to mind. It's
just too much, beyond me.
My Solution:
If women wanted to be equal to men they only needed to know one thing:
Think like a man. That's right, I said it. Be as hard headed as a man.
Ever try to tell a man anything? You can't. He knows everything! Right?
Right. You just try to tell a man (a real man that is) that what he is
doing is demeaning and not worthy of him or his talents. Tell him about his
"untapped potential". He'll most likely tell you to piss off, leave him
alone, and that he's doing what hell he wants and it makes him happy. Women
should find out what makes them happy - what is best for them - the single
purpose in their lives. Be it a full time career, full time family, etc.
If anyone tells them they should not be happy with that they should tell
them to piss off - this is America. If women had done this in the 60's they
would be a lot more "equal" to men today - or at least as happy.
Then again what do I know? Easy for me to say - I'm just a man.
Me? I'll keep opening doors for ladies because it's what my Mom taught me.
Well, ok, and also because I really like to see the overdramatized,
eye-rolling look of a woman who has just been insulted and told that I
obviously believe she is inferior and needed her door opened for her. I
have taken to telling these women "My, you look lovely today" as they are
"forced" to walk past me and through the held door. You can see the
conflict - the turmoil brewing. Deep down they know it was a nice thing to
do and that I did not have to do it. Deep down there is still the stifled,
smoldering ember of a woman. Somewhere deep inside it really does make them
feel special - no matter what Patricia Ireland told them - and they can't
stand it.
Next week: Why do women send me hate mail?
This column (along with all of my past rants, temper tantrums, and bitch
sessions) made coherent by my lovely Wife, Editor and Sweetie - Julie
Sweeney - What can I say? She talks, I hear a symphony. I may be one step
closer to getting her to contribute to Monkey! If so .. well,... you better
just .. look out!
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