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Just Say No....
This week I went to the zoo.
It was a lovely day and the animals were all so well behaved. Even the monkeys maintained themselves and sat quietly, gently grooming each other. A spectacle to behold. There were lions and tigers and bears, oh my - and elephants and rhinos and snakes and even an albino alligator.
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He was in a room filled with giant, robot, mechanical, beasts... so we weren't sure if he was real or not. He never seemed to blink or fart or nothin' - so the jury is still out on whether or not the Milwaukee County Zoo is pulling one over on us or not. He was neat though.
And you know what else is cool about the zoo? They let you get all sauced up there. At each oasis they serve beer, in either small or large containers. This rocks, although I'm sure it brings their insurance cost up. I know that after only two large beers I started to entertain thoughts of finding a big stick to poke the grizzly bear with.... and even wrestling the Chinese alligators! "Ah, she's a cranky one, eh mate?" I can only imagine what would have happened if I were to say... have five or six of those large cups of delicious malted beverage. (Note: drink the large beer fast, as hot sun and tall glass equals warm beer.)
But then there are things at the zoo that aren't very cool. That are so disturbing that it brings shivers to my spine and sends children screaming.... and I'm not talking about the tarantula tank. (I avoided that at all costs.) I'm talking about the "special projects" section of the zoo. A place where local schools and boy/girl scout troops have donated some craft projects... made entirely of recyclables. (Garbage) The only reason this stuff is considered "recycled" is because someone got the idea to glue or tape it all together to make "art". Now, I'll be honest, some of the work was rather creative, but that doesn't alter the extreme creepiness factor. (A magnitude of 10 to the tenth power.)
Ya know the way children's artwork can look like the work of the mentally insane? And I don't mean the kind of insane like your uncle who thinks he's Teddy Roosevelt, I'm talking insane like the guy in the straight jacket, twitching in the corner, telling you the dwarves in his stomach told him to eat his grandma, a quart of Drano and a cup full of razor blades... You don't give guys like that crayons, that's all I'm gonna say. But - that's what it looks like happened at the zoo. But they didn't get just one of those guys - they got an army of 'em. And they didn't give them crayons, they let them make animals out of plastic milk jugs and soda cans and tape and paper machete, hot glue and whatever other garbage they could find.
Now, it is my belief that they gave them some type of theme to work around, and I believe the theme was "animals of the arctic." I can only guess by the sheer coincidence that almost everyone choose to make penguins of some sort. But it was still a far stretch, for it was as if you were viewing the arctic world through the eyes of the Bumble, jacked up on pain killers by the Elf Dentist from the Island of Misfit Toys. Huge distorted animals with grim expressions, all frozen in time.
There was a six foot silhouette of a penguin made of coke cans painted black and white. A dog sled team made of shredded garbage bags, old silk ties and newspapers. A polar bear made of plastic milk jugs with caps for eyes and aluminum for claws. And more penguins.... More and more penguins. All shapes and sizes. Some in herds of 5 - others embarking on a take over in herds of twenty. There was even a ominous scene in which penguins were hanging from a tree being chased by what I can only guess was a sea lion.
And then there was this thing. This thing that could only be described as disturbing. I think it was a wolf? But more like the wolf in John Carpenter's The Thing - when it splits open and two heads come out of its belly. The fur - if that's what it really was - looked as if it was skinned off a road kill deer. The rain that had fallen throughout the week - had not helped it's mangy condition. A truly frightening vision. It was maybe five feet long and looked as if it were ready to spring to life from the devil inside itself. A tortured heap of rotting fur, plastic cups, coat hangers and aluminum cans.
And after seeing this nightmarish exhibition I couldn’t help but remember the craft projects of my past. Either the projects I had made, or the various gifts my parents had received and where on display throughout our home. I have memories from when I was very young - of this macramé owl. It came to me in my sleep after my visit to the zoo. The silhouette of an owl had been crocheted out of a thick heavy, woolish yarn. For the eyes I believe they affixed buckeyes and for feet, they had created some sort of loop - to which they attached a stick they presumably found in the woods. A garish creature of the night who watched me as I went throughout the house. And now that I'm really thinking about this thing - I'm not sure if we hung it on the wall or used it for a hot pad... But I am certain that I always found that thing spooky as all hell. I think we kept it near the printers drawer we hung on the wall that was filled with macaroni and other types of pasta. (I cannot have one memory without the other, so they must be related.) And this “Pasta Drawer” (there is a proper name for this – but it escapes me at the moment) was a deadly piece or artwork. The slightest touch would send it crashing to the ground – and pasta would fly in every direction. I know that everyone in my family has spent time putting that thing back together. It eventually created it’s own force field or “no fly zone” for even if it sensed your presence it would start to work its way off the nail that held it to the wall.
So, after seeing the gaudy exhibit at the zoo and remembering some of the “interesting” gifts my parents had received when I was younger and, unfortunately, the 70’s – when that kind of thing was REALLY COOL! – I would like to offer the following: Craft projects for kids can be fun, entertaining and educational. It’s cute when a little boy or girl glues macaroni to a paper plate in the shape of a heart with the words, “I love you mom!” scrawled in black magic marker in the center… or when you get a walnut and glue googly eyes to it and affix it to a block of wood with a fish on it and write, “World’s Greatest Dad” under it. That kind of stuff is okay. That’s personal stuff – to be shared on a personal level. But don’t make a really big, giant, animals and put them on display for the world to see – or worse yet, give them to a “loved one” and make them display them for all the world. Because, no matter what your intent, it’s going to frighten children.
But then again, it may just be that crazy zoo beer talking. *burp*
*Look for Mr. Sweeney's article, "Latch-hook rugs and me." later this week.
**The opinions expressed in Weekly Commentary are those of Mr. Sweeney and his alone. Any attempt at finding sanity or logic in his rantings are feeble, at best.
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