P.D.A. Me A.S.A.P.

Fonzie got all the chicks. He was always at Al's diner with some pretty coed fawning all over him loving even the smallest amount of attention he could spare her. He even dated both Laverne and Shirley without anyone thinking anything about it. Not that the tap dancing Sally, Carmine could have done anything about it anyway… but I digress.

What my point is, is this: We all know that Fonzie scored with every chick in the greater Milwaukee area, but never once did we see him with his tongue down anyone's throat, hand on their ass, or witness him caressing a bosom. So why is it when I tour the local bars of Milwaukee, and the parks, and the zoo, and the grocery, and the ice cream parlor, that I see people grappling each other like tomorrow was the last day of the their lives? What's with that?

Just last night I was at my favorite watering hole when I witnessed the following Public Displays of Affection:
  1. Lots of "Passionate" Kissing
  2. Caressing of the Buttocks (Outside Pants)
  3. Caressing of the Buttocks (Inside Pants)
  4. Caressing of Breasts
  5. "Rendezvous" into the women's bathroom
  6. Full on, unabashed, crotch rubbing
I know what you're thinking, but my favorite watering hole is not the nudey bar. Rather, it's a run of the mill neighborhood bar. Granted, it is a neighborhood bar on Milwaukee's trendy east side, with a rather alternative crowd, but that doesn't change the fact that it's inappropriate to round second base while I'm ordering a Guinness.

Now, some of you are saying, "Nick, you're just a prude. We all know you've kissed girls in public before…" Well, there's a difference between a kiss of affection and an all out game of tonsil tag. And while I've always been more George McFly than Fonzie, that doesn't mean I have to act any differently. Yes, Fonzie got kissed in Al's, but then he stood up, snapped his fingers and the two of them went off camera. (Presumably to Mr. C's cozy garage apartment!)

Yes, I am a man. Yes, I have those feelings and urges. I've been with my special lady and thought, "Hey, you know what would be better than drinking this beer?" I've seen the hot tamale chicky mama in the Subway and run the fantasy scenario of making more than sandwiches for lunch. - Well, that's probably too much information, but you're beginning to get my point. We've all had those devilish little thoughts, but that is no reason to show me or the rest of the world what you're thinking. Besides, what makes you think I find you or your date's apish gestures attractive? What makes you think I want to be heading out of aisle five, walking over to get my dairy only to run into you pressed up against the "Lucky Charms," headstrong on getting pork?

"Oh, but Nick, Fonzie was different. Fonzie was cool. Fonzie didn't have to pay constant attention to the ladies cuz' the ladies were always coming to him." Oh, Bullhucky! Fonzie got the chicks because he was cool about it. His casual indifference made him a star. Well, that and his Harley. (Did you see the one where he made that awesome jump?!) If Fonzie was all ass-grabby I doubt he would be the lady slayer he is. He probably would have been seen as some kind of touchy feely pervert and the butt of a lot of jokes, rather than the debonair bad-boy lover he is. Just because you're not as cool as Fonzie doesn't mean you have to dote all over her and get your nasty paws on her Good N Plenty's. She'll know you love her in a million other ways, or at least she should if you're any kind of man at all.

And girls, this goes for you too. Ever since you wore that fig leaf thong and made man eat the forbidden fruit you've been using your wiley ways to get what you want. If what you want is for your man to pay you more attention, there are better ways than to get a grip on Jim and the Twins. (Although, to be perfectly honest, a better way is escaping me at the moment.) Now, sure, I'd love to have some babe grab my junk like that. I'd be really cool right up until I saw grandma spy me from across the room, or a table full of giggling girls pointing at the moroseness of the affair. (That's the worse.) But, the interesting idea of a pat on the Johnson goes away when I realize others are going to see it. No one should be at the DQ ordering up some soft serve and inadvertently see me…. Well… Not ordering soft serve.

In short, it's inappropriate. It's cheap and tawdry and tends to present some nasty visuals for the crowd. - Think monkeys makin' it in a cage. It's funny to watch but over all, kind of nasty. If you want to get your groove on, drive up to Lookout Point or head to Motel-By-The-Minute or see if Arthur Fonzareli can lend you the keys to the Cunnigham Love Shack. Just don't initiate foreplay while I'm trying to eat my tacos, that's all.

*Look for Mr. Sweeney's article "Potsy and Ralph Mouth go Dancing" later this week.

**The opinions expressed in Weekly Commentary are those of Mr. Sweeney and his alone.  Any attempt at finding sanity or logic in his rantings are feeble, at best.