Touched Monkey

Plastic Combs....

Sometimes, in life, people take things a little too seriously. They fixate themselves on an issue and become unmovable and righteous. Like this Sean Puffy fan who gave me a ritualistic combing. He took his Genuine Ace Hard Plastic Comb and strafed it across my back and exclaimed, "That was for Puffy."

Now, I don't know what it was I said or wrote about the Puffmeister that got this guy so upset, but I really did hear that his momma is so fat, that when she broke her leg... gravy poured out.

Or how about this other guy in my dream last night. (Yes, I even get flak from people in my dreams.) I was in the bus station, bowling what must have been a perfect game, (Yes, I was bowling in a bus station.) when this guy bowling next to me goes off about the plastic bottle I'm drinking out of. So I remarked, "I'm pretty sure God put us on this planet to invent plastic..." Well, this started a ruckus with the Earth lovin' environmental-patient. He was very much against the use of plastics.

But, the fact that that was all just a dream doesn't change the fact that these people exist. We've all met them - some of you are them. We can't eat veal, despite it's tastiness. It's cruel to the baby cows we slaughter. It would be wrong to wear their pelt or make hubcaps from them because of the cruelty of their death. Don't eat that tomatoe - it was hydroponically grown! (And certainly don't spell it with an E!) Don't use that type of plastic, it isn't biodegradable. Don't use that type of butt-tissue, it isn't recycled... and you're killing trees! Hurm..... Non-recyclable and non-biodegradable... So, given a million years, my dirty toilet tissue and Tonka trucks are still gonna be here, but the house in which I live will be completely leveled and destroyed. Flattened by the sands of time. Cool!

Oooooohhhh.... You mean in your life time? Well, that just means you have to live longer. But seriously, what all you folks are fergettin' is that the future will change everything. We just have to put faith into the very scientists that you are condemning. If they can invent plastic, surely they can make some genetically altered bo-weevil that can eat it. I mean, right now they're mapping the human genome just to eliminate people like you!

Look at Star Trek. They don't have any waste problems. They've got some atomizer-thingy-do that breaks down waste into the very component atoms they are made from. And then, I think, they use those atoms to reassemble themselves tasty treats in their food dispenser. "Tea. Earl Grey. Hot." (As I write this, I have come to the realization that the only things they throw away are the corpses of their fallen crew members. "The fifth crewman" for all you paying attention. They just jettison those right out into space. Which also makes me think, what if the Star Wars universe was mixed with Star Trek. Ya know, when Han Solo says, "I have to set the coordinates in the nava computer... Traveling through Hyper Space aint like dustin' crops boy. You could fly right through a star, bounce to close to a super nova, and that would end your trip real quick." Well, how does the space-casket of Lieutenant Tasha Yar work into that? Because, I saw what a little speckle of rock dust did to Apollo 13... Imagine if they were traveling at .5 past light speed and hit some floating funeral?! But I digress...) In the future we'll have really cool ways of handling our waste, so we'll no longer feel like monkeys at the zoo. Just a presto chango, zappo, zap, zap and all our troubles will be gone.

So eat up folks. Get the really big nuclear cucumber and go to town. Get the fur lined undergarments. Get your pure mountain drinking water in a big ol’ plastic jug. Enjoy your baby cow. Just don't wear anything made of synthetic materials that were tested on animals. That’s just mean. Like my new Columbia jacket. I can wear that. It was tested on some guy strapped to the hood of a Subaru.

Anyway, I should run. I have to figure out what that blue stuff is my Sean Puffy Combs are soaking in.

* Look for Mr. Sweeney's article "Black Holes, astrological phenomena or bad porno movie?" later this week.

**The opinions expressed in Weekly Commentary are those of Mr. Sweeney and his alone. Any attempt at finding sanity or logic in his rantings are feeble, at best.