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Lately I have been noticing that, to quote the movie Demolition Man, the
world has become a pussy whipped version of itself. Back In the day, people
smoked cigarettes and loved 'em. They would walk down the street and make
fun of people who didn't smoke. "Ha ha ha! What a sissy! Me and my
four-pound cigarette, made purely of tar, laugh at you! HAHAHA!" People were
tougher, they didn't whine as much.
There weren't as many wimps. And wimps weren't rewarded.
People would walk a mile for a Chesterfield (although you bet your ass
they'd be takin' the bus back.). People built bomb shelters, because god
damn it, if the bomb hits, they are going to survive even if it lands on
their face. What has made people so afraid of death that they long for tofu
and ultra, ultra light butter?
Coming from Wisconsin, where the food contains more grease than actual food,
I am living true to style. This week I smoked a pack of clove cigarettes and
ate at least three corn dogs, an order of cheese curds, and a deep fried
piece of dough covered in cinnamon and sugar (aka: an elephant ear). If I
want to eat lightly, I go to McDonalds.
I will admit though, I have my limits. I don't do drugs. Drugs are bad
(remember that kids). I also don't drink, but this is more of a personal
preference since all alcohol tastes like something my grandmother would rub
on her ass for hemorrhoids. So I'll pass on the ass cream in a bottle for
now. Maybe later I will "acquire" a taste for it.
I hate it when I'm eating a cookie made with chocolate, M&Ms, peanut butter,
and lord knows what else, the person tells me that they used fat free
something-or-other to bake it. Well great, this caloric equivalent of the
hydrogen bomb has just been detoxified by subtracting nine calories. Neat.
The world needs to remember that in ten years there will be a pill that
eliminates all the crap blocking your arteries. If you don't think you can
make it the ten years to witness that, then congratulations my friend, you
are my hero. Hot damn you lived a good life. I need to party with you pal.
The rest of you bastards are going to be whining even more when that pill
comes because you have been forcing that nasty soy burger crap down your
throat before washing it down with a protein shake.
Now, I could be wrong. I could die when I'm forty of a major heart attack in
which my body convulses such that my Jumbo Double Butter Burger from Culvers is thrust onto the ground, wasting it and making onlookers jealous, but hey, you win some and you lose some. No one makes it out alive folks, and I for one am going to go out in style.
Rather large style, but nonetheless, style.
Next on my list is PETA. For chrissakes people, get over it. If you and an
endangered polar bear were stranded on a desert island, no food, no shelter,
not a damn thing, what do you think that polar bear would do to you?
Eat your whiney bitch ass.
It wouldn't think about it. It wouldn't mull things over in its mind. It
would look at you, and you would die. Probably a little after you wet
yourself and fill your pants with some nasty vegetarian rock hard poop. Cows
were put on this planet for two reasons, milk and steak. That's all. They
aren't there to keep the grass short. That is what lawnmowers are for. They
aren't there to keep the fields fertile, that is what chemical fertilizers
are for.
The downfall of society will not be cuss words or nudity on TV, it will be
PETA keeping enough animals alive for long enough that they learn about how
scared we are to kill them and rise up against us. Opposable thumbs aren't
what is keeping the cows from doing this already, it is the fact that they
know their place already and have accepted it. But if they get wind of this
PETA shit, all hell WILL break loose.
Once in awhile you gotta take a look at what you are doing for something /
someone and say, "Would this person / thing do the same thing for me?" If
the answer is no, then you are getting the short end of the stick, and
believe you me, no one likes that. Just ask Jeffrey Dahmer (broom stick....
uh, get it?).
That is all for me today folks, I'm tired and need something to wash down
this grease.
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